On Being Kind to Yourself During Quarantine

As I ran up Green street toward the Presidio on Friday, I felt exhaustion spread through my limbs and lungs. My pace slowed to what was almost a walk, but I kept trying to trudge up the hill. I wanted to make it all the way up without stopping. Unfortunately, as I reached the halfway point, I felt myself give up. I stopped, placed my hands on my knees, and breathed in hard. Looking up at the distance to the top of the hill, I felt ashamed and aggravated at myself. Why couldn’t I have just pushed myself a little harder?

This is something that I’ve been experiencing a lot of. Disappointment in myself.

So I thought I’d write a bit about it and what I’m trying to do to counteract it.

Not meeting expectations in quarantine:

There seem to be so many extra hours in the day now that we’re not commuting, obligated to attend pre-planned events, and (at least for me) no longer having moments of “I drank too many beers so all I can do is nap.”

However, these new hours seem to slip away from me. I don’t feel like I’m using them to the best of my ability.

From not running far enough (or hard enough) to not cooking enough to not cleaning enough to not finishing the nutrition course I signed up for, I am perpetually disappointed with myself. 

On my runs, I feel like I should be pushing myself to my limits. After all, these are the only times I leave my apartment to (as safely as possible) exercise. And yet… I can’t seem to make it up each of the hills without stopping. I can’t seem to make it past my most recent mileage. My knee starts to hurt after a certain number of miles and I have to walk down the hills and back home. 

In my apartment, I have big plans to clean and organize. I have big plans to write and to film videos and to complete that nutrition course. 

Instead, I end up lying down on the couch to play a game on my phone or to watch episode after episode of Fixer Upper on Hulu. 

Then, when the day comes to an end, I’m frustrated and disappointed in myself. 

Accepting the pandemic:

On Friday, after ending my run early and deciding to walk the rest of the way home, I found that I was feeling more down than usual. What was the matter with me? Why couldn’t I just force myself up that hill? Was my knee injury really what was stopping me from finishing that last mile?

The next day, I finished an at-home workout and was planning to get some writing done. Instead, I binge-watched some shows, talked to my parents, and spent the day on the roof with my neighbor. 

Waking up this morning, I felt ashamed that I hadn’t gotten everything done that I’d wanted to. There are dirty dishes in my kitchen sink. The floors of my apartment are covered in my hair (another thing I’ve discovered during quarantine is how much I shed. Gross!). And I hadn’t written anything in weeks. 

I was ashamed. 

But rather than wallow in my shame, I decided to dig into the reason I was doing the things that I was doing.

What I realized was this: I’m living in a pandemic. We’re all living in a pandemic. Hours aren’t just freed up. Hours are available because the world is in crisis.  

Everything is scary, uncertain, and stressful. 

This makes me feel uncomfortable, anxious, and unwell. I’m sure you all experience this as well. Especially now that we realize how it feels to be quarantined and how much longer we’ll need to stay this way.

I’ve written in other posts about the feelings of guilt and anxiety I’ve experienced. In fact, I had my first panic attack during this quarantine. I also addressed some of the strange dichotomies within the feelings I’ve experienced having my dad in the ICU with COVID-19.

However, though I was aware of the emotions that were affecting me, I wasn’t aware of how they were affecting my actions.

On learning to be kind to myself:

The reason I retreat to my sofa and spend hours binge-watching Fixer Upper is because it helps to calm me down. Watching something with a solid beginning, middle, and end is exactly what I need. The plot of each episode is the same with just a few fun variables thrown in here and there. On top of that, there’s something about breaking down an old house and transforming it into a beautiful home that makes me feel like I have more control in this life. 

When I’m out for runs, I have to remember everything that is weighing on my mind. From dodging other people who are out on walks without masks to dealing with thoughts of the virus, there’s a lot on my mind at every mile. Though running is, indeed, a form of meditation for me at this point, it makes sense that I can’t always control my mind and muscles enough to get me up every hill.

Then there’s the fact that I sit in my apartment for most of the day. My muscles aren’t exactly being prepared to jog up hills. 

Though I still encourage everyone (myself included) to push ourselves during this time (and all the time), I think it’s important to recognize these circumstances for what they are. 

They’re uncomfortable. 

So, be kind to yourself. 

I am learning to extend kindness to myself. If I don’t make it up that hill, it’s okay. There’s always tomorrow. And maybe my body and mind aren’t ready for that at this point. Plus, I did some sort of activity and that’s really what matters. After all, a walk is better than nothing.

If I heat up a frozen pizza instead of cooking a meal, that’s okay too. My mind was probably occupied with trying to stay calm, cool, and collected. So if making a frozen pizza gives me the time to do a meditation, then, by all means, I should make that happen.

If I decide to watch a show instead of write, that’s fine too. Chances are, I needed the comedic relief or the soothing control “demo day” and a storyline with a defined beginning, middle, and end. 

So, starting now, I’m trying to remember this. I’m trying to see the why behind my actions. To understand the psychology behind my need for relaxation (formerly thought of as “laziness”). I will continue to set goals for myself (cooking most meals, learning new skills, keeping my apartment clean, running at least three times a week), but I’ll also understand if this doesn’t always happen. 

If I need to relax, I need to relax. 

In fact, after this, I’m curling up on my sofa to watch an episode of Fixer Upper and an episode of 30 Rock.

Then maybe I’ll clean my apartment… if I’m feeling up to it.