In previous posts, I’ve talked a bit about my dad’s recovery from the COVID-19 virus. How the relief is tangled with other, less positive emotions, to create this complicated swirl of happiness and unease. 

In this post, I wanted to talk a bit more about those other feelings. In particular, how the fear took over my body and the resulting emotional terror that I went through this past week. 

There are a couple of reasons why I’ve decided to talk about it. First, because I think it will help me, mentally. Secondly, because if anyone else is going through this, I hope it will help them as well. What I’m writing about in this post is my own personal experience with paranoia around COVID-19 since my dad’s hospitalization, what that paranoia led to, and then steps that I found extremely helpful for dealing with that paranoia. 

It started with a celebratory drink. In honor of my dad’s return home, I enjoyed his favorite beverage: a Guinness. 

The next morning, I woke up to a horrendous headache. It was overpowering and there was nothing I could do but take some Tylenol and go back to sleep. Mind you, I’d only had one can and had eaten and drunk water—so this powerful headache didn’t make sense. 

This, coupled with the stuffy nose that came the next day, had me a bit worried. 

I didn’t have a fever and I hadn’t been going out of my apartment often, but I had been enjoying a run early in the morning on certain days that week. Though I made sure to cross the street, run in the empty roads, or dodge between parked cars when I saw other runners or walkers coming my way, I couldn’t be totally sure that I’d stayed at least 6-feet away every time. 

Not only that, but at the grocery store, a man had gotten very close to me at the register and, at the time, the cashier was not wearing a mask or staying that far away (this has since changed). 

Suddenly, I was concerned that I may actually have contracted the virus. 

Here’s where my personal situation comes in. My dad is still in recovery. He is still practicing walking and cannot go far without catching his breath. He is still working daily on keeping his oxygen levels up and is trying to maintain an appetite. He is getting better every day, but he is by no means fully recovered. 

My mom has somehow managed to evade COVID-19, despite being so close to my father. It may be antibodies (after all, she’s been a preschool teacher for 30+ years and nothing ups your immune system like caring for runny-nosed, dirt-loving toddlers). However, we also believe that it has to do with her meticulous care of cleansing the house and wearing both a mask and gloves every time she leaves her own self-isolated room. 

Still, to keep your immune system healthy, you need to stay calm so that your body can react to what’s happening inside it. You need to be able to get a good night’s sleep and take things easy. This is especially important now that my dad is back home. Though he’s being really good about self-isolation, it’s still important that her immune system stay intact. 

What I’m trying to say is that if I were to get sick, to go through something like what my dad went through, I don’t think they would be able to handle it. 

I don’t think my dad is healthy enough to make it through the stress of a loved one experiencing what he did. I don’t think my mom could maintain her health if she had to once again wait to see if I would make it. 

So there’s an intense amount of pressure that was building around maintaining my health. 

This led to my very first panic attack. Honestly, up until this point, I truly did not understand what it was like to have a real panic attack. Not just to feel anxious or paranoid, but to have your body basically shut down out of fear. It was a few nights after that initial headache and congestion. I felt a pressure in my chest that I couldn’t understand. Was this what it felt like to have difficulty breathing? Was this the onset of the pneumonia that had taken over my dad’s lungs? Was I on my way to acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS)?

Honestly, with the way my chest felt—like a giant claw was reaching up and scraping through my lungs—I had no idea. Luckily, my phone has a heart monitor and oxygen reader so I quickly took measurements of both. I have a fairly normal resting bpm. It’s around 58 or so on average. When I took my heart rate it was at 112 bpm. I was having a panic attack. 

Even now, when I think back on that moment, my chest tightens and my throat closes. Things got worse when I realized that I didn’t want to call my parents. I couldn’t put this stress on them. 

So, I called my best friend. I started the call with “I think I’m having a panic attack and I need you to talk to me right now.”

This was the first time I’ve ever done something like this. 

I think up until this whole situation, I haven’t been good with expressing my need for help. I’ve never felt like I really needed to. But this night, I knew I did. 

Together we looked up my medical insurance. It helped to calm me to see that I could make a telemed call whenever I needed to. After about thirty minutes on the phone, I was able to put it down, and put myself to sleep. 

Over the next week, I monitored myself. I tried stretching to open my lungs and tried reassuring myself that without a fever or coughing, I was probably okay. I talked to another friend whose family member (my age) had had mild symptoms. This helped as well. 

However, I still felt like there was a lump in my throat. It was hard to swallow. Especially at night. Though I looked this up and confirmed that it was anxiety related, it still caused my brain to travel to unwanted places. Plus, I still had congestion and a lot of chest pressure. 

Finally, one night I warmed a can of Amy’s lentil soup. I ate it and went to bed shortly after. 

I woke up at midnight and started vomiting. Though a lesser-known symptom, vomiting is a symptom of COVID-19. As is diarrhea (which I had also been experiencing). However, if you all know me, tummy issues are a day-to-day occurrence, so up until the vomiting, I hadn’t paid much attention to the diarrhea. 

I was shaking. I sat on my bathroom floor and cried. I felt like a child. I wanted my mom, but I also knew how late it was and that I couldn’t burden anyone in my family with this. So, instead, I set up a telemed call through my insurance. 

The next morning, I had my call. The doctor was so amazing. She listened to everything I said. She took me very seriously, but also told me with honesty that it was difficult to diagnose anything over the phone. Still, she prescribed me an inhaler and some Mucinex, which I could pick up that day at a pharmacy that is very near to my apartment. She also, after clarifying that she was strictly a medical doctor, suggested that I download a meditation app like headspace. She suspected a lot of my symptoms were anxiety-related. 

I didn’t feel completely better, but I certainly felt more secure than before. 

I made sure to text a friend who lives in my building about what I was going through. We’d seen in each other quite often since quarantine, since we basically share a living quarters, so I needed him to know. 

He swooped in immediately with information that he’d received from One Medical. They were actually doing testing for COVID-19 and it was something that I could sign up for. 

I did so immediately. I made the call, had a virtual doctor’s appointment, and though the doctor I spoke to seriously doubted that I had COVID-19 symptoms, she saw that the new policy was to open testing up to more people with some of the symptoms, so she booked me an appointment for that afternoon. 

I went to the UCSF testing center at 4:30 PM. I was the only walk-in and wore an N-95 mask. The nurses and doctors were extremely safe and professional, telling me with calming voices where to go. The doctor who helped me was so young and sweet. It made me want to cry. I couldn’t express how grateful I was for him. After the (I’m not going to lie) uncomfortable test—the “brain scraper” as the doctor jokingly called it—I headed home. 

I got my results surprisingly quickly. It was negative. I am so grateful for the swiftness in which One Medical and the UCSF nurses and doctors helped me. I am so grateful for how quickly they gave me my results. How easy it was through the app. 

I was actually on the phone with my mom when I got the results. I had accidentally texted our family group thread (instead of just my brother) about how scared I was that I had COVID-19. So, she’d caught on and called me. I think we both almost cried from relief. 

However, I need to point out that by this point, it was two days since first having the conversation with the doctors over the phone and I was fairly certain that I did not have COVID-19. The test just confirmed my own suspicions. 

All this is really to say that it’s important to be aware of your emotions. Understand that no matter how logical you are—knowing that no fever or cough is a good sign—your subconscious is strong. Much stronger than you think. There’s a good chance that your anxiety will overwhelm you no matter how much you try to stay positive. This is, I think, especially true if your family has already gone through an incredible hardship or scare. However, it is perfectly valid for anyone during this time to have these anxiety-induced symptoms. 

So, here are the things that I’ve found super helpful in alleviating the stress symptoms:

• Calling close friends. 

  • This is not just a Zoom call with all of your pals. This is one-on-one (or one-on-two) conversations with the people you feel closest too. These are people who you trust and who can share their honest opinions with you. Let them know how you’re feeling. Ask for their help. Be upfront and let them know that you might be relying on them a bit more in the coming weeks or days. 

• Telemedicine

  • I cannot begin to express how important it was for me to have both my telemedicine calls. It was incredibly helpful to speak to professionals. To have their reassurance that I wasn’t crazy. That they took me seriously. That they were there to help and that I was right to monitor my health in the way that I was. 

• Be kind to yourself

  • On the same note as the telemedicine advice, it’s important to be kind to yourself. If you’re having the symptoms like an ongoing fever, consistent vomiting, no smell or taste, coughing, and they don’t go away, don’t tell yourself that you’re being ridiculous. Listen to your body. Understand that it’s okay to be concerned. Understand that there is no shame in calling the doctor again or, if you’re unable to take breaths, to go to the emergency room. 

• Meditation apps

  • Take this seriously. I’m going to be honest. It’s incredibly difficult to meditate when you’re under this amount of stress and pressure. However, simply giving it a go and learning how to breathe is amazingly helpful. I am a fan of Insight Timer (recommended to me by my mom & her natural medicine doctor) as well as Headspace (recommended by my telemed doctore via Aetna). Even doing the first couple of minutes can help you understand the way your breathing or taking your mind off things will help your symptoms. 

• Yoga

  • I know this sounds a bit corny, but I’ve truly fallen back in love with yoga over the past couple of days. I do some tough vinyasa that I found on YouTube and it’s incredibly helpful. It differs from meditation because I’m focusing on my balance, breathing, and the next pose. This forces me to take my mind off any anxieties I may be having. This, of course, can only happen after you feel good enough to try some exercise, but I’ve found it to be incredibly helpful. I now do yoga every morning to clear my head right from the start. 

• Be okay with changes to routine

  • I let my boss know that I was feeling some congestion. Letting her know that I wasn’t totally myself was extremely helpful. She immediately told me that if I needed to take a break at any point during the day, I could. I cannot even express the amount of gratitude I have for not only being able to have a job right now, to be able to work from home, but also to have a manager who was so understanding of the situation. I’m really not one for slacking off (not that I would call what I was doing slacking off). In fact, I often feel like I should be doing more work than I am. I want every moment of my workday filled. I guess that’s just the Capricorn in me… however, during this scary time, I found that I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Not only when my dad was in the ICU but afterward, when I was filled with anxiety about having COVID-19 myself. So, I allowed myself to take breaks during the day. I would remove myself from my workstation, lie back on my sofa, take deep breaths, and watch something on YouTube or play a game on my phone. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve finished all of my work, it was just spread out across the day as opposed to packed into those 8 hours. Those little distractions helped me refocus, helped to remove the pressure from my chest and that tightness in my throat, and allowed me to keep my sanity. It also allowed me to have my telemedicine call during the day and go to get tested at 4:00 PM. 

I am not a doctor and I want each and every one of you to take everything you feel very seriously, but if you think you may be experiencing anxiety, I hope that this post was helpful to you.