sometimes you just have to be a kook in order to have a little fun
I want to speak to the validity of feeling like you’re drowning in the darkness that continues to swell. And how, taking time to hone in on the little things, can make it feel like you’ve been given a life vest, if only for a moment.
As I ran up Green street toward the Presidio, I felt the exhaustion in my limbs and in my lungs. My pace had slowed to what was almost a walk, but I wanted to make it up the hill without stopping. Unfortunately, as I reached the halfway point, I felt myself give up. I stopped, placed my hands on my knees, and tried to catch my breath. Looking up at the distance to the top of the hill, I felt ashamed and aggravated at myself. Why couldn’t I have just pushed myself a little harder? Today, I wanted to write about a strange side effect that has occurred during quarantine: disappointment.
I’ve always been interested in self-improvement. There’s just something about dreaming up future versions of myself that I’ve loved. From health to knowledge, I’ve always thrived when I am marching toward a goal. I guess I’m most alive when I’m living for some new project.
However, I can’t explain how thrilled I was this morning when this old feeling returned like a spark. It was faint at first, but grew until I almost felt like my old self.
However, the last few weeks have been something of a drought for me. I looked into taking a nutrition course (something I’ve always been interested in due to the bowel issues I’m sure you’re only too excited for me to move on from). Yet when it came time to actually pay for and start the course, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I was still feeling off. The unquietness of my soul spun me until I felt dizzy. But I didn’t write this post to make you feel as unsatisfied or restless as I’ve been. I wrote this post because I wanted to share how much better I felt after taking the time to get outside for a slow, quiet walk.
