My Strange Addiction: Reading About Myself

I have an addiction…

A strange addiction…

Okay, so it’s not like eating paper (though I did try this to impress some classmates in 3rd grade) and I’m not hoarding anything.

I’m addicted to reading about myself.

Or my personality traits to be more precise.

I retook my Myers-Briggs personality test and have spent the rest of my evening deeply engrossed in reading about characteristics that I already know I have? At least, deep down I knew I had them. 

But reading about them seems like a revelation now!

My idealism and focus on values have always made me feel fulfilled while at the same time have left me lonely and feeling misunderstood. The way I crumple and freeze when confronted by any form of conflict? It’s because my esteem for empathy—for everyone being understood in their own way—can’t stand this friction (even when it’s constructive to the situation). My romanticism has led me to always feel dissatisfied with myself and any romantic partner. 

It all makes so much sense. 

And yet… aren’t these traits that I’ve always known I had?

Why does it feel so enlightening to read about your own personality? (Also, let me know if it’s just me that feels this way). 

I doubt that I’m alone in this. People have sought answers to themselves since ancient times and since the Ancient Greek period, we’ve had astrology. We looked to the stars, seeking answers about ourselves. 

In the same article that I’ve just linked to above, the author references NASA astronomer Dr. Sten Odenwald to explain that although astrology became separate from astronomy (the science), human’s interest in looking to the sky for answers has not waned. 

To paraphrase the article, we humans have “a psychological phenomenon called ‘self-selection’ which is the search for interpretations that match what we already hope to be true.”

Is that what it is? A search for interpretations that match what we already hoped to be true?

It may seem unlikely since astrology, Myers-Briggs, and other personality descriptors often call out our bad traits with our good. Are these faults really what we hope to be true?

To be honest, yes—I think they are. 

I realize it now as I type. I relish particularly in the parts of these descriptions that call out my weaknesses. It’s almost like I’m able to use this “type” or “zodiac sign” as a scapegoat for my failings. I’m lonely because I’m prone to thinking no one can understand me. I still haven’t asked for a rent reduction because my personality type can’t deal with conflict. I’m rigid because I’m a Capricorn. 

Suddenly, they’re not just faults. They’re part of what makes me me. 

If you haven’t seen “astrology girl” memes, I highly suggest you check them out. 

I guess it’s also because you suddenly feel understood. There’s someone out there (or even a system) that recognizes the thoughts I have and the actions I take. There are more people out there like me. 

I am curious to see if there have been studies on what happens in your brain when you read about your personality type or astrology sign. I’m sure there’s some sort of dopamine hit that you get (similar to binge-watching a show) that creates this addictive feeling. I’ll try to find some info on this but right now I’m getting a bit sleepy. 

In the meantime, I’ll leave you with a link to this Elle Decor article that I actually found really enjoyable about horoscopes and how reading them affects your mental health. 

There’s also an entire industry created around helping us understand what’s happening in our minds in relation to our beings (and the other beings around us). Especially during these pandemic times, we’re in need of help translating how we’re reacting (both consciously and unconsciously). 

I mean, one of my favorite parts of therapy was being told that I had the tools I needed (and had had them since the start of our sessions), but just needed help remembering to use them. This thrilled me because it meant that I had done my research and that I now had an even deeper understanding of myself: I am the type of person who lets their thoughts get the better of them (also backed by my Myers-Briggs results) and who needs Thought Trainers to ensure that I stay grounded in reality. 

Finally, I’ll also say that there’s definitely some kind of narcissism at play here as well. You’re hyper-focused on yourself when reading about your personality type. 

But I guess that’s part of being human, isn’t it? Trying to understand the world from our own perspectives while also trying desperately to understand it from another human’s perspective who’s trying to understand it from their perspective as well as the perspective of others. It’s a doozy. 

And reminds me once again how lucky I am to be able to live in my little apartment. To drink the hot chocolate from a handmade mug that was a gift from a friend. To be privileged enough to care about my personality type instead of surviving the next second, minute, day, week, or month. 

So I’m going to end this post with gratitude. Gratitude to whatever is out there (whether it’s astrology or not).