Is The Secret to Happiness This Simple Reframing Technique?
On my forearm I have a tattoo. In my own cursive handwriting, it says “Create Reality.” It’s the same two words that I used to title this blog.
The story behind this tattoo is a bit cliché to say the least. I opened a fortune cookie and the phrase was staring back at me from the little piece of paper.
Wow, I thought, that’s meaningful. Imagine taking control of your destiny. Creating a reality that you want to live in.
As someone who would call anxiety of a familiar friend, this idea of controlling my own reality felt relieving and powerful. So, of course, I tattooed it to myself…
Why am I revisiting my incredibly deep decision to ink myself with a fortune from a fortune cookie?
While listening to a podcast on my walk today, I was struck by what the guest Jim Dethmer was saying about reframing certain situations and circumstances.
Note: Before moving on with this blog post, I want to acknowledge the fact that I’m approaching this philosophy from a place of privilege. I am employed, my family is alive and well, and I have a place to live. None of my circumstances are dire. I understand that this practice comes a lot easier to someone in a place of privilege than it does to those who are in direct need.
However, I do think that his practice of revisiting less-than-optimal situations could be beneficial to anyone. Because of this, I wanted to share it in a post.
So what is this practice that Jim Dethmer spoke of during his interview on the Tim Ferris show?
It’s simple:
We often find ourselves in negative circumstances. Right now, for example, we’re all in a global pandemic. It’s scary. It makes us angry. We’re upset. These emotions are powerful and can cause us to want to blame someone or something for putting us here.
We may want to blame a lot of people.
If we can’t figure out who or what to blame, we turn inward. We blame ourselves.
The problem is that blaming someone else, something else, or ourselves isn’t going to alleviate the situation or our emotions.
So what does Jim recommend?
How to reframe circumstances to feel happier & more content:
Stop. Breathe. (Here’s one of my favorite breathing techniques) - and really stop. Concentrate on your breathing. Try not to think of anything else.
Recognize your emotions. Recognize what emotions you’re feeling. Angry? Scared? Sad?
Consider the circumstance. Take a moment to think about the situation that is making you feel these negative emotions. Really examine it. How did you end up in this situation? What can you learn from this situation? Is there anything that this situation prompts you to explore?
Reframe the circumstance. Now that you’ve examined the circumstance, reframe your thinking around it. What is something you can learn from it. Yes, it may be and feel terrible, but there’s always something to learn.
Jim Dethmer goes into much more detail and is much clearer in his podcast episode.
I myself am trying to practice this with SARS-COV-2. It isn’t easy. I’ll admit that. But I do find it helpful to try to reframe my mindset. Though I can’t fight off all negative thoughts, these moments feel like moments of clarity and are incredibly helpful.
Stop. Breathe.
Thoughts about COVID-19 often come at night. They can feel overwhelming and terrifying.
Recognize my emotions.
Fear - Fear for my family’s health. Fear for my own health. Fear for the economy. Fear for my own economic stability.
Anger - Anger at those who are not taking this seriously. Angry at the government for not making stricter laws to keep us safe.
Consider the circumstance.
What is this global pandemic? What can I learn from it? What can this situation do for me?
Reframe the circumstance.
This challenging time has allowed me to learn.
It has allowed me to recognize that I seek to control nearly every situation that I’m in. In fact, when I’m not in control, I become irritable, depressed, and difficult to be around. However, now that I’m in a circumstance that I ultimately can’t control, it has taught me to accept that fact. It has also taught me to release control in other situations as well—projects at work, relationships with friends. I can not control others who refuse to wear masks, who draw near when they walk past. I can only control myself and my own actions.
It has allowed me to learn about the deforestation that is happening. How this has led to a wider spread of diseases as animals that used to live far from each other are being closed in around closer together.
It has taught me that the people I love are not immortal. If I treasure these familial relationships and friendships, there’s no time to be petty. If we disagree on something, it can’t become a bigger issue because there isn’t enough time for anger or grudges.
It has opened my eyes to the fact that there is so much to learn about in this world. From the brain to sharks to olive oil to sleep… the list goes on and on. It is my opportunity to learn. It is my privilege to spend my time gathering knowledge and challenging myself to inquire into anything and everything.
It has taught me that there are people in my community who are stepping up. These people are thinking creatively and critically in order to solve real problems. I recently donated to the SF Community Fridge - a refrigerator in the Mission District that provides free food for those in need. I was astounded by how well thought out the drop off of food was. I simply rang a doorbell at an apartment, was buzzed in, dropped my food off, and was on my way. Easy, simple, and worthwhile. If I can afford groceries, why not contribute to those who cannot.
Though there’s no denying the travesties and hardships that this virus has brought upon us all—and recognizing that there are distinct groups who are more affected than others—there are learning opportunities that I can take from it.
There are learning opportunities for me to take from every negative circumstance. It may not solve the situation, but it helps me to see it in a new light. To find the positivity in it. To find happiness when there is darkness.
